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A Love Letter To My Future Daughter

Dearest Daughter,

I’ve dreamed of and built you up since I was just a little girl myself. I imagined your sandy blonde hair, button nose, your cerulean blue eyes. I designed dresses for you with the touch of my smiley face pencil on a sketch pad. I’ve thought up all the things I would teach you, the things that my grandmother taught me.

I would tell you every morning how much I loved you and tuck you in every single night so you would feel safe in our home. I would make sure you understood that life is lived forward and not back. I would make sure that you knew it’s okay to take risks, make mistakes, as long as you learn from them. I would make sure you knew that life is funny sometimes and that you shouldn’t take all things too seriously. I would teach you how to persevere in spite of darkness, how to become a flame for those in need of light, and how to find that flame inside yourself if you are ever alone.

I would make sure that you knew that life is not all daisies and sunshine so that you would be prepared for the stinging cold of the real world. I’d teach you how to live life passionately, to go after your dreams and not second guess them for a minute. I would explain to you how to deal with failure, and that pain is inevitable but not everlasting.

I would teach you how to stand up for yourself and to not let bullies penetrate your state of mind. I would teach you how to be the best you can be, and try my best to keep you from comparing yourself to other girls. I’d make sure that you got the chance to join the track team, learn to play an instrument, or take rock climbing lessons. I’d teach you how to do a cart-wheel in the front yard. I’d be the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, and the Easter bunny. I would cherish every work of art you brought home, every mothers day present, and every hug. I would let you sleep in my bed if you were scared and gently take you to yours after you’ve fallen asleep. I would teach you the different theories of God and let you decide what you believe. I’d give you advice on friendship, love and loss. I would bite the baloney into a smiley face and hold it up and make funny faces at you. When you and your first love break up, I’ll bring you to a train passing by and we’ll scream at the top of our lungs. I would scold you if I thought you were making bad decisions and try my best to keep you on a clean path without drugs or alcohol. I would let you stay home and watch cartoons if you were sick. I’d teach you how to ride a bicycle, and try my darnedest to keep you off of a motorcycle and the guy that owns it. I would tell you stories of my own screw ups, mistakes, and bad choices when you are old enough. I would show you how to make a beard with the bubbles at bath time. I would teach you how to build a tough skin and a keep a sensitive heart.

I’ll call you my peanut from the age of 2 to the age of 65. I would teach you how to spin on a wheel in a pottery class. I would show off my horrible dance moves at your wedding and unintentionally embarrass you when you go on your first date. I’d be your best friend, your mentor, and your bank account. I would take an obnoxious amount of photos before your first dance and take you backpacking across Europe as your graduation present. I would teach you how to make the best grilled cheese sandwich and your aunt would teach you everything else about the culinary arts. I would braid your hair and chase you around the house so you will brush your teeth before bed.

I would never give up on you. I would never call you names. I would never drag you down. I would kiss your button nose as your wake up call and make your friends a pancake breakfast when they sleep over.

I love you, my peanut.

From Your Future Mother

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Renewal

An imbalance of power is instability. It is the climax of a storm. It is the darkness.

You’re not the one. It feels so refreshing and freeing to say that. I feel in my body a lightness I had not before. Not lightness in a manner of sun rays beaming through clouds, but the lightness of a cottonwood seed drifting and twirling in the wind.

I effervesce with gratitude. You clogged my confidence with hatred, when you left I was dripping in the phlegm of your antagonism. But I was restored. I was refined. I was soaking in a fresh, cleansing bath of serendipity.

I want a man who wants to see the world with me. He’ll stand on the edge of the grand canyon with me and gaze into it’s fierce beauty.

I want a man who laughs at my silliness and plays with me without making judgments, calling me weird, and doesn’t care if other people are watching.

I want a man who tells me he loves me and means with every atom he is made up of. He’ll tell me when he is thinking of me, or if I made him smile with a simple text.

I want a man who gives as much as I give. When I make cookies, brownies, pastries when he’s sick, he’ll get the knots out of my back when it’s sore.

I want a man who is excited to talk to me. Who is enthralled when I tell a story he’s enjoying or laughs with me when I do something ridiculous or silly or clumsy.

I feel my esteem settled back into my body where it belongs. I hold myself higher. I am grounded.  I feel a calmness within me. Not the calmness of the ocean tickling the beach at sunrise, but the calmness after a forceful storm that mixed and knotted up every molecule of water. I am free.

 

 

ArtWork By: MJS, CloudscapeArtist@gmail.com

 

Ophelia’s Daisy

I am not uncommonly known as a romantic. I am the frolic in fields, stop and smell the wildflowers, long walks on the beach, Ariel and Eric, kind of romantic. Nothing should stand in the way, even in the most difficult of times.

It seems I am very reluctant to give up on these dreams but at the same time, have this other contending feeling; a very drowning in a pond like Ophelia, death and doom, Romeo and Juliet bitterness growing in me from the first time I got my heart broken, mended, broken, and mended and broken etc.. Truthfully, if my heart were akin to a work of art, it would look like a freaking Jackson Pollock painting. I get why Ophelia went mad, this is too much for anyone to bear.

Yet, a spark ignites inside me still. Ophelia’s madness may have led to her ultimate demise, but she is one of the most beautiful and underappreciated characters of Shakespeare. She sees people for who they really are, calls them out on it, and wears her rue with a difference. She is a 16th century example of what all women are subjected to in the 21st century.

Ophelia is told by her family who not to love, right from the start, and of course she does not obey. Hamlet’s family’s misfortune bore him no good will either and he took it out not just on his mother but on all women. He lashed out, expecting perfection from them while he himself was not perfect. He made his choice to walk away from someone who could have made him happy despite all the heartache he had been feeling. Hamlet felt desolation, bitterness, rage, and complete despair. The combination of his love for her and his feelings of betrayal led to Ophelia’s madness and demise. He leads her to believe their love is unrequited and hollow. But what if it could have been as full, graceful, and as innocent as the daisy that she sets down, giving to no one?

Her drowning in the pond is just short of perfection. What better way to show that love leads to madness, destitution, and rue.

Women and men cannot seem to get it together and just be happy. No wonder so many people say that all women are crazy and all men are assholes. We weren’t the first ones to define this and many others have said it with much more gracefulness and eloquence than I ever could.

In one of Ophelia’s songs in her mad state she sings, “I hope all will be well. We must be patient: but I cannot choose but weep.”

A Love Letter From Your Big

Dearest Littles,

My first thought of how to start this was something that would’ve been in CAPS LOCK, had cursing involved, and me telling you both how obsessed with you I am (which I am). But I want you to really hear me when I say that I love you.

I know how hard it is for you. I know life isn’t always the nicest of friends. And I know that I can’t solve all of your heartaches. But I know that when we are together something ignites. We have a connection that all sorority girls dream of having with their big/littles.

A portion of our friendship is pure laughter. When life starts being a complete asshole, I want you to know that I will always be here for you. Friendships like ours never go out. They keep on burning forever.

I unknowingly learned everything I needed to know about sisterhood from you two. I know I am supposed to be your mentor (blah de blah) but I want you to know how much you both have taught me.

Your strength is unequivocal. Your love is absolute.

Love is meant to be simple, uncomplicated. Thank you for always loving me simply. Thank you for loving the unabridged me. I will always be there when you need me, if not in body then in soul. You’re irreplaceable.

In the Flame,

A Love Letter to Myself (Part One)

Dearest Self,

Many people don’t understand why we celebrate each passing year. It’s just an arbitrary date in a calendar. It’s just the passing of time. It’s stressful for no reason. It is false hope. Well let me tell you something you may already know, humans are innately imperfect. We can’t help it. We screw up. Screw others and screw ourselves constantly. No pun intended. The celebration of a new year allows us to think about who we want to become, to create goals for ourselves, to allow humanity to consume us with gratefulness, hope, kindness, friendship, and love.

It is the eve of the new year and like everyone, I cannot help but reflect on the year before and dream upon the year to come. Thinking back is as if I am watching a silent film reel past me; I can’t necessarily hear it but it plays in my mind giving me the highlights, showing my achievements,  my shortcomings, and my greatest challenges. Questions begin to paralyze me. What were my successes? What did I give up? What were the moments where I felt the whole world stop around me? Who was I with in those fleeting moments and how do I continue to love them and be present in their lives? What tiny beautiful things did I miss because I was too absorbed in my own petty issues? What was most important to me? How can I change myself to make this year better, not just for me but for my loved ones and the people in my community? How can I become more grateful with each passing day and each passing moment? How can I grow into a person I can truly love?

I’ve been thinking on something lately and I have decided to be completely honest and blunt with myself. I have become so ungrateful for the life I lead that I am no longer happy. I go on in life numb to most of life’s simplest pleasures. I have succumb to the idea that unless I have BIG plans, BIG dreams, BIG adventures, that my life will be less meaningful. I have forgotten how to be joyful in the littlest of pleasures.  I can pinpoint the exact moment I lost that child-like, innocent happiness. I could mourn the loss of my former self. I could waste away in despair in this new year for a self I once knew. I could continue to live in my dark cloud whilst everyone around me is soaking up the light. Or I could change. I could exchange my negative thoughts for positive ones. I could start that god damn diet and exercise regimen I always promise I will stick to but don’t. I could work hard in the job I have to prove that I am capable of so much more. I will fight to become someone better. I will fight to love myself. The great poet,Nayyirah Waheed once said, “I am mine before I am anyone else’s.” That is my mantra this year.  To become someone I could love.

My New Year Resolution List:

  1. Continue working hard at learning to play the Piano and do not be discouraged by the slowness of progress.
  2. Find joy in tiny beautiful things. Seek pleasure in a storm. Be joyful in stillness.
  3. Find positivity in darkness. Chase happiness. Let love and be loved.
  4. Work hard even in the tiniest of jobs. No job is unimportant and everything deserves the same amount of effort put into it. Prove to yourself and your superiors that you are indispensable.
  5. Treat your body with care. Love yourself every day enough to allow growth to come into your heart, soul, mind, and body.
  6. Do not speak of negative things, ill of people, or ill of yourself. Fake it til you make it.
  7. Finish a book a month. Or at least listen to NPR on your way to work for gods sake.
  8. Write a blog post on each of these resolutions throughout the year.

 

The Incongruous Lifestyle

Life cannot have true meaning unless you live boldly, wildly, and with conviction. (Or so we’ve been told.) But what does that mean exactly? How does one live their life with true meaning? What is the mode in which this operates? Does each persons interpretation of this look differently? In what ways? Are some definitions better or more exciting than others? Worse?

There is an entire movement based of the notion that in order to live a full life, you must follow a set of guidelines, which I have drafted for you here:

Rule 1: Life is an adventure

Rule 2: You only live once

Rule 3: Live in the moment

“Life is an adventure, Live in the moment, You only live once,” society desperately whispers in our ears. We eat up every second of it. I know I did. Other guidelines may include but are not limited to: Getting married later in life, being independent and traveling the world. But what if they are wrong? What if we have been looking at this all wrong?

We are living in an era in which everyone wants their life to leave an imprint of their soul on earth before they die. We have grasped onto the idea so fiercely we as a society have fated ourselves into an incongruous lifestyle in which we are on a tenacious, everlasting search for adventure, moments, and the means to do so.

Let’s take a closer look at each rule and speculate.

Rule 1: Life is an adventure. The word adventure is defined as. “an unusual and exciting, typically hazardous, experience or activity.” Adventure is typically bold, risky, and daring. But what does it take to be a true adventurer? What do you have to give up? What do you gain?  What does true adventure look like? Is it travelling to Machu Picchu? Writing a series of award winning novels? Going skydiving in the Amazon Rainforest? Moving across the country? Has anyone ever considered the adventure is simply discovering our nature as it is ever changing? Adventure is embracing actions that support you as a person.

Rule 2: You only live once. This idea, while factual, is intended to inspire it’s audience to life their lives to the fullest. Realizing that you can only do what you can with what you have at a certain time. The noble concept being as, we only have one life therefore we should make the most of every opportunity and life enhancing experience that might cross our paths. While also using time wisely and pro-actively seeking out life changing experiences. But can life changing experiences truly “be created?” It seems the only life changing experiences able to occur are when you let them, not only in your physical surroundings but in your heart.

Rule 3: Live in the moment. The final expectation is living our lives not in the past or future, but in the present. IT is believed that to live in the past would bring mourning; to live in the future would bring worry; and to live in the present brings the mind and body peace. But if you are thinking about having to live in the moment all the time, aren’t you still worrying about living each moment preciously, earnestly, and wisely?

Where does human connection live in these rules? Ideally life springs opportunity, friends, health, and happiness. But what happens when you force yourself to adhere so valiantly to the rules?  I have adopted these rules for so long and all they do is bring stress into my life. I decided for myself it was time to move on from the concentration of leading a full, adventurous life and connect to the world as I would want to be treated.

To live an adventurous life is to follow your heart and not let the projections of others pierce your life system or nature.

To live life to the fullest is to accept your true nature and embrace life actions that support you as a person.

To live in the moment we must forget it is a moment and just live.

It’s within the pause of a breath that each step of living becomes visible for your larger life to improve and follow upon. Don’t concentrate on the definition of life and forget to live. Life is bigger than your best dream for it. This movement is stirring, I can feel it in each gust of wind; it vibrates like a song in the air and flows right through me. Here I stand, impervious to the flow of each gust that rattles the trees above and I breathe. For each breath opens possibilities and stimulates my nature. I smile. I smile with a deeper understanding of myself, the universe, and the world around me.

I smile as the trees whisper softly in my ear, “Let go.”

She Is A Black Canvas

She is a black canvas

desolate and obsolete.

She is a gray bin

trashed and undignified.

She is a just another grain in the sand

molded by the ocean waves.

She is putty in your hand.

She is a black canvas

undesirable and ostracized.

She is a tattered book

used and worn.

She is a crack in the pavement

unalluring and plain.

She is a splinter in your spine.

She is a black canvas

empty and unalterable.

She is a rainstorm

overbearing and repressive.

She is a raging forest fire

angry and unavoidable

She is a monstrous typhoon.

I am a black canvas

mysterious and authentic.

I am a blazing star in the universe

unique and coveted.

I am a radiant sun

life-giving and vital.

I am the edge of a cliff

ambitious and brave.

I am a natural disaster in your wake.

I am a rare element

safe from your destruction.